Vayera: Running Toward Comfort

בס״ד

"Hashem appeared to him in the oaks of Mamre, as he sat at the opening of the tent in the heat of the day." (Genesis 18:1)

וַיֵּרָא אֵלָיו יְהֹוָה בְּאֵלֹנֵי מַמְרֵא וְהוּא יֹשֵׁב פֶּתַח־הָאֹהֶל כְּחֹם הַיּוֹם׃

וַיִּשָּׂא עֵינָיו וַיַּרְא וְהִנֵּה שְׁלֹשָׁה אֲנָשִׁים נִצָּבִים עָלָיו וַיַּרְא וַיָּרׇץ לִקְרָאתָם מִפֶּתַח הָאֹהֶל וַיִּשְׁתַּחוּ אָרְצָה׃

"He lifted his eyes and saw, and there were three men standing near him. He saw, and he ran from the opening of the tent to greet them, and bowed down to the ground." (Genesis 18:2)

Abraham had just been circumcised, at ninety-nine years old. The Talmud (Sotah 14a) teaches that this is why the parsha opens with God appearing to him: Hashem came to visit Abraham in his pain, the way we visit the sick.

Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev, the great Chassidic master known as the Berditchever, asks about the next moment. A sick person, he says, receives rachamim, mercy. Abraham could have rested and been cared for. Instead he gathered gevurah, strength, and ran toward the strangers at his tent.

Abraham's pain was in his body. But the Talmud tells us he hurt in another way too. Hashem made the day blazing hot so no travelers would trouble him, and Abraham was pained that no guests came (Bava Metzia 86b). In his selflessness, he wanted to help others and care for them, so that no traveler would suffer in the heat.

A pain no one can see

Mine is a different kind of pain, and yet in his story I find company. No one can know it. It is inside, deep. I cry where no one sees, as well. And it is very difficult to live life with this silence and not share it with others.

I don't think I am alone in this. All of us bear a burden no one else can, a pain the world cannot see.

When I lost my daughter, Ariana, I did not share my sadness with others, because it would take away from their happiness or make them feel uncomfortable. Most people, men and women, parents or not, are at a loss talking about death, unless they have lost a child. Then it is a different conversation. So I bore that silence too: not having the chance to express myself, being by myself, making sure the people around me did not feel the strife I carried. I just wanted someone to listen, to help hold the tears and the pain. But this was too much to ask.

"Hashem is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those crushed in spirit." (Psalms 34:19, 34:18 in many English Bibles)

When no one could listen, Someone did. All deep pain, seen and unseen, brings us close to Hashem, whether we know it or not.

The playground

When I lived in Hawaii, near the beach, there was a children's playground. One day I was riding my bike and heard laughter, the sound of joy. I rode toward it. There I found children playing, innocent and unburdened, as God created us to be.

And my pain was that I would never see Ariana play like this. I would never hear her laughter again, never share her joy, or even her struggles.

So there I was, frozen between the love I was witnessing and the love I could no longer hold with my daughter. In some way, I imagined hearing her. I saw her jump around, run around, smile at me, and love me in that moment.

It hurt beyond measure. But Hashem gave me the joy of the children's laughter so I could still share in it, the happiness life gives us in moments of innocent play. That is when I knew God was with me, even through the pain.

That day, through my tears, I lifted my eyes and saw the good right in front of me.

קָרוֹב יְהֹוָה לְנִשְׁבְּרֵי־לֵב וְאֶת־דַּכְּאֵי־רוּחַ יוֹשִׁיעַ׃

וַתֹּאמֶר שָׂרָה צְחֹק עָשָׂה לִי אֱלֹהִים כׇּל־הַשֹּׁמֵעַ יִצְחַק־לִי׃

The guests he did not know

Abraham did not know his guests were angels, Michael, Raphael and Gabriel, sent by Hashem (Talmud, Bava Metzia 86b). He only knew they were strangers in the heat, and he ran to them in his pain. Without knowing it, he was being blessed: Raphael had come to heal him, and Michael to promise him a son.

Gabriel had no task at the tent. His mission was Sodom. Under the tree he was simply a guest, welcomed and served like the others. In Kabbalah, the Jewish mystical tradition, Michael is tied to chesed, loving kindness, and Gabriel to gevurah, strength and judgment. Abraham met both with the same open hands. He did not know which was which, and he did not need to.

The Torah shows the other side in the very next chapter. The same strangers went on to Sodom, a city that made turning strangers away its law. The Talmud says Sodom even punished a young woman for secretly feeding a poor man (Sanhedrin 109b). This was not a city in pain. It was a city that chose cruelty. The tent of Abraham, which welcomed them, received healing and the promise of new life.

True blessing from the Divine often comes to us without our knowing it. In the most difficult hardship, physical, spiritual, or emotional, if we stop to give to others, through our sacrifice, we merit a true gift from God. If only we could see it, through gratitude and sincere joy in others' happiness, the world would begin to shift toward unconditional giving.

My experiences give me comfort that I can help others with what I share, if they receive it. I think that is the purpose of it all. It does not take away the pain of Ariana being away. But if somehow I helped a soul, then that is the reward.

"Sarah said, 'God has made laughter for me. Everyone who hears will laugh with me.'" (Genesis 21:6)

The Berditchever teaches that Hashem gave Sarah her child only after long years of sorrow, so that her joy would be great, for a thing that comes easily has no joy in it (Kedushat Levi, Vayera).

To see how happy and free children are, to know they know that feeling, that is the gift. My reward is seeing them live life in the beauty of the love of life.

Never take your time with your children for granted. Find the patience it takes before anger takes hold. Always know that you can lose that laughter, that smile and that joy in any given moment.

The Berditchever teaches that when a righteous person sees someone good, a brightness and a great light come over him. That is why the Torah says Abraham first "lifted his eyes and saw," and only then ran.

In the midst of pain, how can one lift their eyes and see something good? Some days we cannot. But the good is there, even when we cannot see it. When I make even a small sacrifice for others, that is the blessing, for I am close to God and He is with me. In Hebrew, the word for sacrifice is korban, from karov, "to come close."

I heard the laughter and rode toward it. I am not Abraham, but his story walks with me. He lifted his eyes above his pain and saw. And there I was given a blessing: mercy for me, and a glimpse of the kindness Abraham showed to others.

Standing beside

When the guests sat down to eat, Abraham did not sit with them. "He stood over them under the tree, and they ate." (Genesis 18:8) The Berditchever explains that a host should not show more enjoyment than his guests, so they will not feel less than him. So Abraham stood beside them.

In my own small way, I learned to stand beside others too. Whatever the circumstances, the pain, the longing to be heard, listening is key. It truly is a source of comfort. I listened to others, holding back my own grief, pain, and struggle. Being there for them made me feel like I was helping, like I was comforting. It is a living truth: from wanting to be heard, I became the listener.

In comforting others, I was comforted.

הָרֹפֵא לִשְׁבוּרֵי לֵב וּמְחַבֵּשׁ לְעַצְּבוֹתָם׃

Hebrew terms

Vayera: "and He appeared," the parsha's first word

Hashem: "the Name," a reverent way to say God

Parsha: the weekly Torah portion read on Shabbat

Talmud: the great body of rabbinic teaching and law, compiled about 1,500 years ago

Kabbalah: the Jewish mystical tradition

Chassidic: belonging to Chassidut, the movement of joy and devotion founded in the 1700s

Kedushat Levi: "the holiness of Levi," the Berditchever's book of Torah teachings

Rachamim: mercy

Chesed: loving kindness, Abraham's quality

Gevurah: strength and judgment, Isaac's quality; the strength to hold back, which can show up as courage or as judgment

Korban: sacrifice, from karov, "to come close"

The teachers

Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev (1740 to 1809): a Chassidic master and student of the Maggid of Mezritch, known as the defender of Israel for always pleading Israel's case before God. His teachings are gathered in Kedushat Levi.

A commentary on Parshat Vayera, drawing on Genesis 18, 19 and 21, Psalms 34 (34:18 in many English Bibles) and 147, Talmud Sotah 14a, Bava Metzia 86b and Sanhedrin 109b, and Kedushat Levi, Vayera, including its teaching on Genesis 21:6.

Read next: Let There Be Light: The First Words of Love

Through reflections on sacred texts, poems, and prose, I share the light I find along the way. Read more of my story.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalms 147:3)

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