Simple Innocence: Tamim (Wholehearted)

The joy of laughter

For the child within

The never-losing-of-purity

The compassion of simply

Being in love

Mine through my eyes

Each discovery

Profound and safe

Focused emunah (Faith)

Treasured calm

Cover my eyes with the sigh of your breath

Give to me the peace of death

Fancy the symphony of composed love

In my twilight of these days as below, so above

Blessing to all

Gifts the fall

Beacon of light shining in mine eye

Illuminating some relative form of heaven and sky

Gathering the comfort

Of Divine's heavenly court

Sitting beneath the Tree of Life

Acknowledging the strife

Hoping and praying for truth's inner sight

Sharing with all my might

Today Officially

21 Tishrei 5770/ 3 October 2009

Today officially was the first day for snow. I loved it. It wasn't really that cold but enough for me to put on a hat and gloves. It was a serene day, although I felt busy. I guess because of the fact that when I was working, in between patient reports, I got up and made strawberry muffins for Sukkot's 7th day now. It actually ends on tomorrow's Shabbat. Tomorrow is Hashana Raba, the final day of the Divine 'judgment' in which the fate of the new year is determined. I would like to think God will have mercy on me. I pray for some type of salvation, some form of peace; for my soul is agonized now more so than ever in my life. I try to remember, in fact, that is what I am doing, writing in 'dream' journal to give my life/spirit/soul some meaning upon these latter days of my life? I think sometimes how futile an effort for…I don't know what I do, but it is the only thing I can do. These words will somehow give me more meaning to my life, for how does one truly encompass life, this existence, this relative, mediocre and cumbersome life to which the opposite can be witnessed to those whose awareness if left to answer? Here in these little words do I try to find comfort. Every day I bring myself to this point, and in all actuality, I am lost. Let's see, on paper it looks very bad, no family, no child, no spouse, no past, present, or future, an orphan's life rejected time and again and the ultimate tragedy of losing a child. What kind of life am I supposed to lead. Right now, at this precise moment, I want to be comforted, truly comforted with arms to hold the weight of my sorrow, to catch the tears rolling down my face, just to be here for me who will never go away and love me unconditionally. This brings me to my knees, for I have nothing that will give me comfort. My Ari is far away, and she was my love, and will forevermore, but her essence isn't here anymore, and I am left blind, bereft, hollow, to continue this strange and alienated existence, for what purpose? I try to find my Father/Mother everywhere and there are times when I feel the beauty. I am aware but I have no talent in which to relate it all. I ask, I plead to no end, and I feel I am still lost and weak, always crying and never finding answers. I always thought my poetry would come to manifest as something profound, something in which to give the world, but more for me to find solace and love, and maybe even Hashem/Shechinah, my daughter in Heaven, the angels who wanted a voice, the Great Mystery revealed in some form, mystically, through some form of communication in which to have some essence of the Divine in our crazy world.

I should stop now and pray for revelation: